𝗪𝗼𝗺𝗲𝗻'𝘀 𝗕𝗲𝗻𝗲𝗳𝗶𝘁𝘀 (609)

Marriage Guidance Amid Parental Refusal Question: May Allah reward you with goodness. A sister is asking and says: I am 17 years old and I live in the United States, and I am divorced. I sought khulʿ (divorce initiated by the wife) from my former husband due to injustice and mistreatment. After that, I wanted to look for another husband, especially since I am striving against myself, fear falling into temptation, and need marriage. In my family, the decision about marriage usually depends on my mother. If she is not convinced about a suitor, then my father does not approve of him. I have presented two suitors to them before, but they rejected them for reasons such as race, age, and skin colour. There is a Salafi brother I want to marry because of his religion and character, but my mother rejected him due to his race and age, and she has rejected others as well for reasons related to race. I spoke to my father, and he said that he will not marry me off now and that I should focus on my studies instead of marriage. He spoke harshly to me and said that I am still too young for marriage, that my divorce is a disgrace upon me, and that marrying me previously was a big mistake. When I mentioned a suitor to him and asked, “Do you not consider religion and righteousness?” He refused even to ask about his race or age and set non-negotiable conditions: that he will not marry me to anyone I bring forward; rather, only they will look for suitors. He also stipulated that the suitor must be Bengali, from our same city in America or a nearby one, and within a specific age range. My father says that I reject the suitors he brings, but they are not suitable for me and do not understand the meaning of ʿaqīdah (creed) or the correct methodology. The only suitors my father has brought were men living in Bangladesh. I do not see compatibility with them firstly due to creed and methodology, and secondly because I was raised in America and am not strongly connected to my cultural background. I prefer a husband who understands me and communicates with me in the language I speak. I also do not want to marry someone from my same ethnicity, nor do I want to face the cultural issues I experienced with my previous husband and his family. My parents do not want a Salafi husband for me, especially after what happened with my former husband. However, the suitor who has come forward is suitable and is Salafi, yet they still refuse to marry me to him. My father does not intend to marry me off and wants me to complete my education and become financially independent first. He said that if I want, I should wait until I turn 18 and then “do whatever I want” (meaning to leave them and marry on my own). I fear for myself and want to get married, but their standards are completely different from mine. I have other relatives such as my paternal uncle and my maternal grandfather, but my father is hiding from everyone that I am divorced due to the sense of shame in our culture. He would become angry if I told them, and it might cause me harm. What do you advise me to do? What should I do? May Allaah reward you with goodness. Shaykh Saleem Al-Hilali hafidhahullah: May Allah bless you, mend your heart, and grant you a good outcome. 1) The Islamic Principle A guardian (wali) is a condition for a valid marriage, and your father is your guardian. It is not permissible for him to prevent you from marriage without a valid Islamic reason (religion and character). What you mentioned refusal based on race or colour is not a valid Islamic excuse. 2) What Should You Do Now? A.) Calmness and Buying Time Do not confront your father right now. Show him respect and demonstrate your commitment to your studies as he wants, while gently reminding him of your need for marriage. B.) Reintroducing the Topic Wisely Choose an appropriate time. Focus only on the suitor’s religion and character. Suggest: “Just ask about him, without any commitment.” C.) Involving an Influential Mediator Look for ⤵️ A trustworthy scholar